The best decision of my life
I’m sure everyone can think of a moment in their life where they have made the right decision. Perhaps even one that changed their life. This post is about mine and there won’t be any photos as it is a rather sad story (with a good ending though). It’s a story about abusive relationships and why I left Germany.
Let’s start where it all began: I was 17 and met a guy in a club. It was my birthday and I thought I had hit the jackpot. He was cute, smart and funny. After a few dates it turned into a relationship that lasted 3 years. That’s quite a commitment at that age. I know there’s no relationship without problems, it’s something you have to work on constantly but even then it should never make you feel inferior.
My relationship did though. He turned from sweet and caring into an arrogant-smart-arse-control-freak. It happened gradually, just little things I noticed here and there. See, one thing you should know about me is that my parents are divorced which came in as quite a shock when it happened – I was only 9. My siblings are older and they had all moved out to pursue jobs/uni in other cities so I was left with Mum.
I love my mum to bits and we have always had a special bond. Still, I was craving a ‘normal’ functional family. There it was, my boyfriend’s family and they welcomed me immediately. The same with his friends, I was part of their gang straight away. Having always been a nerd at school, being bullied and never one of the cool kids this was such a change and I loved it.
We spent a lot of time together and – let’s call him J because his first name starts with that letter – after a while J started to criticise things in my life:
– my mum for not supporting me enough with money (my family isn’t very rich)
– my friends that are a bit strange or bitchy (they definitely weren’t)
– my clothes being too sexy (“Who are you dressing up for?!”)
– me being confident and chatting to people (“You talk too much!”)
– my wish to have a career one day (“You don’t even have A-Levels!”)
– me missing a pill and telling him straight away (“Are you fucking stupid/dumb/retarded?! You know you’ll have to get an abortion if you get pregnant!”)
He slipped these snarky remarks and often insults into our conversations every now and then and slowly over time it completely reduced my feeling of self-worth. I didn’t know it at the time but he also made up lies about two of my very good friends and threatened to break up if I continue to see them. I loved him so of course I believed him – why would he make up lies? He loves me, so he wants me to have friends and see them. Those were the naive thoughts I had at the time.
The few other friends I had left dispersed, too. I only found out years later about the lies he told and that none of my friends liked him or wanted to see him because he was very unpleasant to them. In the end I only had him, his friends and family – and my own family of course.
Until he started to manipulate me to start a fight with my mum over money issues. I came round to my senses when my mum broke out in tears on the phone and in the end I started crying, too, feeling like a complete arsehole. In that moment I knew this had to stop.
Too afraid to end the relationship for fear of being alone, I started to stand up for myself more often. He didn’t like it. I took driving lessons and bought a car which made him furious and he broke up with me for two months!! My family was so happy about this. God knows why we got together again. I think it was me being lonely, having lost all my friends and having moved to a different city to start working after my GCSE.
J had a car, of course. Paid for by mummy. He lived with his parents and was doing his A-Levels. I moved out at the age of 16 and built myself a life in a different city, earning my own cash and living in my own place. He started to control what I am spending. It was ridiculous but I let him. Still too scared to break out. Until that one fateful day.
My company announced redundancies of 8,000 people and it hit me, naturally, being one of the youngest people there. I applied for other jobs in the same town – no luck. I applied for jobs all over Germany – no luck. I went to the job centre and it was a three hour wait so I flicked through their ‘newspaper’ which was full of job ads. One stood out: a three month internship in Brighton, UK, sponsored by the Leonardo Da Vinci fund and everything paid for (host family, English language course, monthly spending allowance).
I still don’t know why but in that moment I knew this is what I wanted and needed. It took me 4 weeks to compile an English style CV and a decent cover letter. My English really wasn’t great at the time. They picked me though, one of 15 people and a total of 450 applicants. It was my life saver.
The 19th February 2006 was the day I left. J and I said goodbye and promised to be faithful and write/call/text every day. Finally, being a thousand kilometres away from his control I found happiness, friends and confidence in myself. After two months I broke up with him over the phone. He didn’t “let” me and tried to sugar coat me, that he has made a mistake and we can still make this work, he will give me more freedom and we could both move to England in the future, etc. etc.. I stayed firm and didn’t buy into his lies and he immediately changed the tone and told me that “he should have never allowed me to go”.
Some people never change but I truly hope he knows what he has done. It could have destroyed me but instead I chose to be free.
So for me, my life only really started at the age of 19 on that cold, rainy day in Brighton….
*Domestic abuse takes on lots of different forms, the most extreme one being violence. But not all abusive relationships result in physical injuries but instead psychological ones. I felt it myself how hard it is to leave despite the constant belittling, insults and humiliation. If you’re in a position like that you should talk to someone you trust or talk to experts in your country that have experience dealing with people just like you. You can find more about it here.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. And great you made it out of this relationship. I had a similar one. Also lost my friends (one of them came back, after I quit with him). And he also was criticizing almost everything. This pill story… I was just nodding when reading it. We already lived together back then, and because his very catholic parents visited us, he took the pill away from the bedside table and hided it. I normally take the pill before going to bed, and the reminder is, seeing the pills on the bedside table. No pills there, so I forgot to take it. And of course, it then has been my fault. I finally got out of this relationship after I started to work. He even criticized me for earning more then he did…
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Wow, I can’t believe he set you up by hiding your pill!! I just don’t get how people can be like that. Most men can’t handle it if a woman earns more, sadly. I am glad you got out of yours, too. Thanks so much for your kind comment and sharing your experience. I’m sure there’s more people out there – men and women – that have experienced similar things or worse, they are still suffering in silence.
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Wow that’s a very sad story, but iam so glad you got out of that relationship. I think all women are beautiful and should be treated with respect and like a princess. I am happy that you have a new life and I wish you all the best for the future x
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Thank you for your kind word. “Women are beautiful and should be treated like a princess” – that’s such a lovely thing to say! 🙂 Luckily I am in a great relationship now with someone that respects me. I think asserting control over anyone, be it man or woman, is wrong. Abusers need to know that.
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Yes your very right about that, everybody should be free to live the life they want to live, but some people just can’t handle that. So many women live with partners that abuse them both mentally and physically and i think that’s a shame, I will never understand why men say they love their partners, but never let them be free. I would rather live alone then do that to a woman. Nice guys like me are few and far between. At the moment iam single, but when I am with someone I treat them with respect and kindness, that’s just the way iam, i wish more men was like me and I feel sad when I hear about women who are in bad relationships x
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You’re right, they are few and far between! But there’s also an increasing amount of women manipulating their men with emotion and trying to be “the boss at home”, so the men turn into workaholics and spend lots of time in the office. I think we are as a nation are becoming more self-centred and want to push our agenda no matter the cost. I am sure the lucky lady that will get you will appreciate you! 🙂
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Wow Mel! That’s really strong of you and I’m proud that you did a wise choice to leave him. I have seem some friends going back to their ex who treats them bad and sadly no one can make the decisions for them but themselves. Of course as a friend you can tell what you think, It must have been hard to hurt people you really care for especially your mom and I hope things are lot better! You deserve all happniess in the world and don’t let toxic people get to you, just brush them off and show them what you’re made of! You are a strong woman and a good role model! ❤ Great post! Lots of love Nad!
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You’re so sweet Nad, thanks so much!! I wish I had had a friend like you when I was that age! It’s true though no matter what people say the person has to realise it himself/herself. The only thing you can really do is be there for them. Things are so great now I couldn’t be happier. In a way maybe this was the path that was destined for me. Otherwise I might still be in Germany and wouldn’t have lived in three countries and travelled to exotic places. It still scares me to think though that I was lucky to get out – it could have easily gone the other way! xx
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No worries! There are times when we have to fight our own battles alone and we don’t always have the support we need. Those are the times when we grow the most and in your case it turned out to be a good decision and I’m really glad that you are happy in life! Everything happens for a reason 😉 ❤
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You’re right, it definitely makes you stronger! And we all have these moments in life. Thanks for your lovely comments 🙂
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This story is like the stuff from nightmares (the relationship part, not the getting out of it!). That relationship sounds horrible and I’m glad you got out of it when you did. I agree with Nad; you are a role model and I hope that if I ever find myself in the misfortune of being in this sort of relationship I would be able to remember your experience and get out of it ASAP. Thanks Mel for sharing your story, it has been a real eye opener! Xx
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That means so much to me! Thank you for saying that! I wish I had gotten out earlier, these three years have been lost. But I think I have made up for them by now 😉 The problem I have sometimes is being too strong.. This experience has changed me so much and I will never take bullshit from anyone again. My next relationship after that was with an English guy who was always a bit shy and quiet – it ended because I was too dominant 😦 My partner now is perfect, we are both equal 😀 Thanks again your comment made me so happy! xx
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Thanks for sharing this. I’m do glad you got away from this guy, it sounds like he would have become much worse as the years went by. I often find that insecure men with low self esteem become very threatened by intelligent and successful women like yourself. You sound like you really have your life on track so well done 🙂
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You’re right, I also feel he’d have become worse! You don’t start out like an abuser to suddenly change your ways as an adult. On the outside he never seemed insecure but I bet inside he must have been jealous of my money, my flat, my car etc. Even though I worked hard for it! Thanks so much for your comment and your lovely words, they made me really happy 🙂
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Bravo! I am proud of you 🙂 People don’t understand violence and only take it’s physical form as harming, but emotional, psychological and verbal are even more dangerous. I think physical actually doesn’t ever come alone, without the others I mentioned… It sucks big time… And it takes a lot of courage to brake this bond, specially when someone convinces you that you are depended on him and can’t do anything on your own. Your independence was a sting from a bee to him, he knew that you will have strength to stand up to yourself… I once got into a fight with religion teacher (I was going at Christian youth group meetings for a while to check it out) and she just couldn’t understand how a woman, “victim” could stay with a man who hits her. She said, that her husband slaps her she would leave him that moment. Her husband was with us in the room, one of the dearest and sweetest people I have ever met, looked like a person who wouldn’t harm no body. I said, it does not began with a slap. It begins with something you don’t even notice, just makes you a bit uncomfortable but you let it go. Then this starts repeating. Then the person finds the was inside your head and starts to build their importance by making you small and not worthy and pathetic and stupid and ugly and everything… Then they hit you. By now, you think you deserve it. I told her something like that, she was left speechless. She just couldn’t realise how someone could stay with a person like this, but it is not easy, black and white situation. When someone gets power over you and your thoughts it is very hard to start to think for yourself. Also, they are very aggressive and persuasive, sometimes getting away from that person is nearly impossible.
You probably can tell that I know what I’m talking about, I have been through some shit, some of lasted decades. So, yeah, I get you, sadly. I am proud of you 🙂
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Wow, thank you for your insightful comment! It really shows that there are still plenty of people out there that don’t understand how abuse works. The majority of abused women were not suddenly beaten by their partner but being made to feel small and unworthy, just like you said. One of my friends back in Germany was beaten by her boyfriend once and it was still so hard for her to leave him. She did eventually but I think most people also want to see the good in people and show forgiveness. That’s a great trait to have but we also need to teach people more when and how to say NO. I’m glad you stood up to that teacher! It sounds like you’ve been through a rough time as well so I sincerely hope you are in a better place now and have found happiness 🙂 Thanks!
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Yes they don’t and that would be great, like awesome, you didn’t have to deal with it in your life, but they make judgement on other people and FOR other people from ignorance… That is not so great.
I know girl that has been beaten up from her boyfriend, she didn’t tell me, but our mutual friend. Actually, I saw her today. But by her character I know she gave him all back, she is feisty. Still, it is unhealthy relationship and we all talked about it with her so much that it is became boring and we don’t talk anymore. She had to decide for herself. She knows how to fight for herself she just has to realize that he is not good for her, screw the love. If she was helpless we would have intervene long time ago.
Yes you are right, I did go a trough a lot in my life, it still feels like I’m over exaggerating when I am writing this now because I was made to believe many things… From not one, but few people in my life.
It has left (other than scars) health problem I am dealing with now. So yea, I know exactly how it is and I’m writing about love and self-love and positivity on my blog very very often 🙂
I am right now on my path, my journey of healing in many ways ❤ My boyfriend of three years has a huge role in this. He gives me strength when I feel weak and hugs me when I feel small. 🙂
I am making my way to MY OWN place, it will happen, I know it. 😀
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Oh yes, I also know a people that are strong and are in an abusive relationship and it’s so destructive – for both parties! I agree, it would be tiring to have the same conversation all over again. People sadly have to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Blogging to me is almost some sort of rehab. It makes me feel sane and alive 🙂 I think it’s because the community is so nice and there are people who understand you better than your closest friends (very often). X
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hehe I liked the last part a lot and I agree. with everything you said! Yes, it is destructive on both parts.
I also feel that WP community is very supportive and kind I don’t regret for now my decision to chose this platform for my blog 🙂 ❤
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Thank goodness you not only had the strength to leave that relationship, but now here you are writing about it publicly which may help someone else recognize themselves and have the strength to leave. Love and Light to you.
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Thank you so much for your kind words! I really hope I can empower other people with my story 🙂
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This is an incredible story! I had no idea this was why you left Germany. More power to you!
I was in a very unhealthy relationship before I left for Ireland, but nothing to this scale. Your words are incredible and will help inspire girls all over the world. Thank you for sharing 🙂
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Thank you so much and good on you that you have left yours, too! Ireland seems to be the place for lots of people to leave things behind or go on a search for something that’s missing in their life. I actually left Germany twice and for me Ireland has helped heal most wounds 🙂
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I can’t tell you how much I related to this story. Thank you for baring a little piece of your soul to us 🙂
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Thank you 🙂 I think we’d all be surprised how many people have been through the same but don’t tell anyone because they play it down due to no physical violence involved. I thought long about writing it but knew it was the right thing to do after all the positive comments I got. I got my final closure now 🙂
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